Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Christmas with family 2016... and looking back with life.

Went home Christmas eve. spend two days with family. No drama no war! First time without father in-law at home for Christmas, just four of us this year. A little sad missing FIL and my dog, both gone to heaven this year. Well, with all those friends GOD keep shower on me, I do wish I can follow their path, no more pain no more worry! Really have enough living with all those friends from God. No one know your pains your struggle. Heart is bleeding dry. I am trying hard living with dreams and hope... hoping one day family can change...

Who is selfish who is greedy, who are really care? How many call you visit you? Sisters brothers, daughter, all treat you like glass! I need find subject excuse to call them for a chat, otherwise they will treat me like alien. They will catch my bug! Family hurts, worst then stranger sometimes! No wonder it's from our dad... daughter is stranger in his eye! After all those years helping in the shop for dad! I love my dad very much, but... daughter is stranger! Forgive forget? How easy? Old stuff old story, but I can't forget, don't know how others do it?

And nine years... move out from in-law's house, coping living on my own, living with dreams to support myself... cleaning homes, office, school. Not my dream job, but what can I do? English only half bucket full. Yes, not many like cleaning, me too, people look you down. Never dream to be a cleaner myself, where that gut come from? I am a cook, a really good cook!:-) Yes, I am a big head! "You are not the only one can cook, lots people can cook better than you!" from a dear one on the phone. I told her I can train, didn't say I am. God that hurt, and more... "Call you! Call you for what? Just to say hello good bye!" People don't use their heart when they talk, it hurt really hurt, I forgive but can't forget? I am bad temper, I swear I shout, I talk loud I break things when I am upset, but I don't say things to hurt people! You people lie, use lie like a knife stab people/my back, again and again! Forgive is easy if people say sorry, yes, I did this I said that. Hiding silent after I told you off, will not clean your name.

Well, where am I? Cooking! Yes, most people hate, not many love as a job, after all those years working like in hell for our loving dad, all daughters got from dad, in his eye his heart is a stranger! Tradition brain wash his head his heart, I love my dad very much, he tell people I am his best cook best daughter. How he lost his head his heart I don't know, sometimes I wonder... ? All those years cooking for dad in his little oven hot takeaway, put me off cooking! I really hate cooking!!! But I need a job to live, dreaming to work at home... start Mei's steamy kitchen, it could work if I am a little younger, healthier. I don't like begging from family and friends for help. It hurt last time I tried. Cooking exhibition in the BIC back in late 90, I did two cooking show for idea home in B'mth to promote my little hobby type business at my FIL's kitchen at home. The show give the business a big show off, phone none stop ringing all day. I do regretted my give up! But mum is dying, dad had a young bird in China don't want to come back to see mum. Dr. save mum, mum wait 3 more days, she die the same day dad visit her. She make it to see her daring hubby before she say good bye to the world. Miss you mum!

Where am I again? Yes, cleaning is easy! My first cleaning job is in a healthclub, I am a member with them before, still have friends family are member when I first start my cleaning job in that club. I need to put up my think skin face to do my cleaning, its 7am to 3pm. Fri Sat. But 8 hrs a day, give me policman foot. The manager wont cut down the hrs to let me do more day. I left the job look for some where else. I clean home, office, school to support myself. My hubby still my hubby, but we live apart, he love his dad more then wife, our life are like a sandwich, can't blame him. Our daughter nearly 15 when I move out from home... a teenage, a spoiled teenage, thanks for g-dad and hubby, mum lost her only daughter, together we are like having a world war 3 at home. I can only dream one day daughter will come back to mum... keep dreaming Mei!

2016 coming to end, has not been a good year for me, GOD drop me down 3 more friends, it's pain pain pain, how long I can cope, I don't know, keep fighting Mei! I hope 2017 new year new dream new hope... bring peace and love! Health and happiness to all.